Deepen Your Commitment to your Partner through Self-Devotion.
When the going gets tough in relationship, we often put this question to the test, “Should I bail, or should I try to deepen the bond with my partner?” Although we may not talk about this subject freely, I know this is a very common experience for most of us out there.
Am I in the right relationship? Is this commitment really supporting my highest good? Do I really want to be with this person….and is the struggle really worth it? I know that when things feel challenging and disharmonious for me in my relationships, I start to question them. I may even start to look for ways out.
My mental and emotional systems start to squirm and sometimes I feel trapped. I’ve come to understand, that any conflict I’m experiencing with my beloved is a conflict I’m experiencing within myself. There is never a feeling, situation or thought I can pin on my partner…ever!
Most likely, when we feel like bailing, we are in victim consciousness. We may be blaming the other for our own state of mind and wanting to escape the discomfort of how it feels. As we realise that these waves of questioning will come and go depending on how we feel about ourselves in the moment, we can relax into the knowing that they will usually pass. When we feel a “lack” or judgment within ourselves, it is an all too easy (and insidious) phenomenon to find ways to blame our partner for this.
Living and traveling in a foreign country and trying to communicate in a new language and culture has definitely put my relationship to the test!
As of late, my husband, Jeff and I have been practicing a new way of relating when conflict or upset arise in our interactions. Sometimes we consciously take space from one another in order to gain perspective on what is happening in our own processes so that we can come back together with clear minds and open hearts. This works well, yet we are seeing how we can diffuse the fear (fear is always the cause of conflict!) that is causing the conflict and transform it into compassion in even faster.
By far, the most helpful steps Jeff and I have taken to deepen our commitment are these:
Step One: Place your hand on your heart.
When you find yourself in the midst of conflict, upset and disharmony…..stop talking, and place your hand directly over your own heart. When we feel a charge in our bodies of frustration, anger, confusion or defensiveness, we are in a minefield of our own pain bodies. It is a signal for us to breathe into the emotional/mental anguish….to recognise and embrace it and give it the attention it deserves.
It can feel much easier to displace our own pain on the other, but it always creates more separation. When I don’t face my own pain head on with love and compassion, it always causes a disruption in my peace and therefore my relationships.
Taking a moment to place your hand on your heart in the midst of conflict is a physical sign that you’re throwing up the white flag. You’re surrendering the fight within yourself….and with your partner. You’re giving your nervous system the signal that it can pause and relax. There is no more threat. You are witnessing the pain within and giving it the attention it deserves.
When we don’t welcome the pain that arises, we prolong our suffering. If we put it off like a nagging child that doesn’t stop complaining, it will get louder. We must listen to it deeply or else it will keep haunting us resulting in more complications for us down the line.
Showing ourselves this kind of devotion and compassion will help us love our partners more deeply.
Step Two: Place your hand on your partner’s heart.
This step will take you deeper into compassion for yourself as you witness your partner’s pain body in that moment. After providing breath and space for the hurt child within, you can actively hold space for your partner’s.
This physical action step of placing your hand over their heart will show your partner that you feel, hear and “see” them. No words are required…..in fact, words are discouraged because at the point of conflict, they are no longer helpful. Conscious action of breath and touch speak much louder than words.
When you physically touch someone’s heart space, you change the frequency field instantaneously. Deepen your commitment as a couple by deepening your devotion to yourself and the hurt little child within. No more complicating your relationship by tossing your issues onto your beloved. That is a messy and painful game.
This is a brain twister, but take a moment to contemplate this. Here’s another one from Byron Katie, “If I believe you should stop waging war, I am waging war on you in my mind. …” Wow, now that’s another brain buster!
In other words, all of our seeming upset with another, always points right back to our own suffering.
The two steps I explained above may sound too simple to be true but I guarantee it will snap you out of conflict. Take my word for it and share this technique with your partner. I have a strong feeling it just may deepen your commitment and devotion to yourself, thus your commitment to your partner.
Thanks for joining me in this glorious process of self-illumination.
Please take a moment to write a comment below, as your experience helps illuminate the path for others.
I’m always amazed by your brilliance!
P.S. Check out one of my other articles about how to know if you’re in the “right” place by clicking here.
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With love and gratitude,